"When we remember we are all mad, the mysteries disappear and life stands explained."---Mark Twain

Friday, August 16, 2013

The Dodge And Duck

I swear, I must be slippin'.

I used to be The Queen of The Dodge And Duck.

When somebody would say "See ya later", you would say, under your breath, "Not if I see you first".

I didn't see him first.    I should have, but wasn't payin' attention, and there he was, right in front of me.

An old boyfriend, who wanted to huuuuug.    Oh yes, I want someone to catch me in a clench with one of the town drunks.    I can really pick 'em.

He's harmless but I have ZERO desire to walk down Memory Lane.    It wasn't that much fun the first time.   He was on his beer run for the weekend, and I got the Hell out of the store when he turned his back.   

I wasn't fast.    I was SUDDEN.

When I told T-Bird about it at lunch he told me to go bathe.

Standing in the grocery store checkout line one afternoon, I spotted two old biddies that I didn't want to talk to.    I knew the spiel, and just didn't want to hear it because they were gonna piss me off.
     When the cashier turned to give me my total, I wasn't there.    I had squatted down in the line so I wouldn't be spotted.    The cashier and everyone in line behind me thought that was funny as all-get-out.    The laughter almost gave me away.

While I was going thru my divorce, I ran into my soon-to-be-ex-sister-in-law.    They had come from out of town for a visit, and my daddy had lied to this chick for me once already.
     I was at Wally World riffling thru the shirts on one of those round clothes racks.    I had my head down, checking sizes and prices when another woman walked up to the opposite side of the rack.
     I lifted my eyes just enough to see who it was and my blood ran cold.    We were three feet apart.     If I cut and run, I'm caught.   If I have to talk to her it will end badly.
     I just continued to browse with my head down, and gradually drifted off across the department.

Then, deciding that I didn't need anything that bad, I left the store.    She never knew I was there.

Stealth!     Ninja-style stuff!    Now you see me, now you don't!    The Incredible Vanishing Woman!

I have walked right past co-workers and blood family, and they never knew I was around.

I got caught in front of the video store once by a guy I knew thirty years ago.
     I was wrapping the last few feet of log chain around a grandchild in her car seat----she could give Houdini a run for the money----when I heard a man ask if he knew me.

The answer is ALWAYS "NO".

But when he names your parents and sisters the jig is up.   

I couldn't deny that I knew him, and it took some doing to convince him that we were NOT going on a damned dinner date because my husband would have objections.    I do give him credit for a good try.

I also took mental notes about the truck he was driving.

"See ya later!"

Sure you will, Sport, sure you will...........


  1. I spose we all have a few we try to avoid.

    I have an old girlfriend who called me by last name the whole time we dated. I run into her and her parents occasionally. They always tell my wife that they are only letting her borrow me.

    It's a little uncomfortable especially when the ex and the wife are present.

    It's been 35 years. Let it gooooo!!

    1. Suthern: some people have an odd way of expressing what they think is funny. And some people just don't know when to shut up. I can certainly see where that would be uncomfortable, especially for your wife. The next time they bring it up, thank them for letting her borrow you for the last 35 years, or ask them to let your wife keep you, since she's had you for so long anyway.