"When we remember we are all mad, the mysteries disappear and life stands explained."---Mark Twain

Thursday, August 29, 2013

My Own Personal Fall

When I went to the office Monday morning there was a nip in the air, and it was 64 degrees.

Downright chilly.

Is Fall around the corner?


It's been FALL for me for the last TWO YEARS!

I am Vertically Challenged these days.    No problem with my horizontal, but my vertical is completely out of whack.

(If you didn't catch what that meant, you don't remember t.v.'s with vertical and horizontal hold.     I remember when t.v.'s had knobs and "rabbit ears".)

It started with a fall in the bathroom.   I didn't slip and fall IN the garden tub, I tripped and fell OUT of it.    How?   I dunno........

The second time, the boss's back steps rose up to smite me in the kisser for no good reason.     I threw out my right arm to fend off the attack and my shoulder took the brunt of it.  

 I had tripped on the first step.  

Third time:   score TWO for the garden tub.    I am getting tired of rolling, wet and naked, across the bathroom carpet and T-Bird is probably tired of picking me up.

Fourth:   Tripped over my own feet and fell down in the bedroom.    Missed hitting the bedside table with my head by one inch.

If you're asking yourself the obvious "is she drinking/drugging???" question I cannot blame you.    I can't blame this on drugs or alcohol;   I have a serious lack of grace and coordination.   Always have.

Fifth:    I had just gotten into my truck at the Dollar Store.     I was on my way home after several errands.
      The cell phone rang.    My husband reminding me to get ibuprophen on my way home.

NUTS!    I had just left the store!      Now I gotta go BACK!    I got out of the truck, and in my usual hurry, stepped behind the truck on my way across the parking lot.......and cracked my left knee on the trailer hitch.

The collision with the hitch hurt so bad I lost my breath, and my freakin' balance.    I made a couple of odd steps, and fell face first to the pavement.

I threw my hands out and hit with so much forward momentum that the back of my right hand touched the backs of the knuckles, and the pain and force of the rolling fall flipped me over onto my back.   

A man came up and asked if I needed help.   

Oh yeah, you could say so!    I tried to get up and couldn't.    He had to pick me up and stand me on my feet.

Now I really needed ibuprophen.     My knee hurt like Hell, and was bruised.    I left skin on the asphalt, my hand was bloody and swelling, and it was turning colors.

I did limp back into the store for the ibuprophen.     My right hand hurt so bad I could barely get my money out of my pocket, and I tried to keep my mangled hand out of sight of the cashier.

I drove myself home.

The hand swelled to the point we couldn't get my rings off, and the palm turned black.   The fingers would not move, and I couldn't flatten my hand.    Cold water hurt like the dickens.

Not only do I no longer bounce when I hit the ground, I no longer bounce back from injury.

I had to have help washing my hair and getting dressed in the morning.    Anything with a screw-on top was handed off to someone else.  

 I never missed a day of work but I had to get creative to get the job done.

It took months for my hand to return to service.    My right hand is now just a hair wider than it was, and one knuckle sticks up at an odd angle.     I know when the weather will change 48 hours in advance.

Sixth fall:     You didn't think I was finished, did you?    This one was weird but painless.     I got out of the bed, walked to the end of it, and fell over across the foot of the mattress.     Didn't get my feet tangled up, wasn't dizzy,........just keeled over.

The leaves are just beginning to fall here but I have a head start on 'em..


  1. Got a feeling you ought not be a waitress. Hoe you get straightened out soon.

  2. Hope! Hope! I meant Hope! Wernt calling you "Hoe".

    1. HAHAHAHA!!!!! I actually read it as "hope" and didn't catch it until I read your second comment!! I know you weren't calling me names and it struck me as funny! Thank you so much for the much-needed laugh!

      Believe me when I say that I have been called much, much worse!

      No Sir, I would make a terrible waitress or server. I am entirely too clumsy to put patrons in my path. That could be bad. I don't have the temperament for it either.

  3. During high school I once fell UP the stairs. No, I wasn't alone, I accomplished this difficult feat with several of the most attractive girls in school behind me.

    1. Oh no, Beach Bum! I don't know why it is, but our most embarrassing moments have a full audience, and it's always the people we least want to see us in these situations.

      I'm tellin' ya, high school was invented just for this purpose.

      I do give you bonus points for Defying Gravity! You are the second person I have heard of to fall UP stairs instead of down 'em!