"When we remember we are all mad, the mysteries disappear and life stands explained."---Mark Twain

Thursday, October 31, 2013

A Story For Halloween

 It happened about forty years ago.

Two young brothers had walked a couple of miles into town to go to the show. That's what we called going to the theater to watch movies back then.

Nobody was coming in the family car to drive them home, so when the movie was over they started the long trek back home. But they were young, and what's a couple of miles when you're a kid?

They didn't fear the dark---they were too old for THAT, only babies were scared of the dark---and they were walking down a road they had walked many, many times before.

The night was clear and crisp. They had left the lights of town behind and were talkin' about the movie they had seen.

During a lull in the conversation, they heard a sound. A kind of swishy sound.

They stopped.



They started walking again. The sound started again.


They looked behind them but couldn't see anything but the road. It was dark and they couldn't see anything in the woods on either side of the road.

Now, when you are way out in the country where there are no city or farm lights, the night is as dark as the inside of a felt hat. It can be black as pitch. The only light is moonlight. If the moon is out.

Was it an animal? Being country boys, they knew what was in the woods around their house. They had hunted and fished there all their young lives.

Deer don't follow you around as a rule. Most other animals would either remain still or run away from man.

Coyotes? Well, maybe, but you can hear a pack of those when you're standing dead still, listening for them.

Could a panther be stalking them?

The only sound was the sound of their own breathing.

They were beginning to feel the fear. Just a little bit.

They began to walk again, a little faster.

The strange sound started again.

A ghost??? Ghosts aren't real...........are they??

Home is still a long ways off. It's still dark, and whatever it is is keeping up with them. Unseen.

The faster they walk, the faster IT walked. If they stopped, IT stopped.

When the last of the bravado failed, they RAN for it. Bravery be damned!

IT, whatever it was, was keeping pace, and IT chased them all the way down the road. They ran faster and faster.

Finally, they saw the lights of their house! But IT was STILL there, chasing them across the yard, and IT was still coming when they ran across the porch and burst through their front door.

They collapsed in the living room floor, gasping for breath and scared to death. Crying.

Their parents had heard them pounding across the porch and it sounded as if they tore the door off of the hinges. They tried to calm them down enough to find out what had happened.

Were they hurt?? Was there an accident of some sort??? An emergency of some kind, maybe? Were they in some sort of trouble?? Was someone after them??

When they finally caught their breath and saw that they were safe, they got up, still shaking.



Of course it was in the house. It had been with them all day.

It was the brand-new corduroy pants that they had just gotten. Caught up in the excitement of new clothes and going to see a movie---rare treats indeed--- they never noticed the sound that the new, stiff material made when they walked. The sound material makes when your thighs rub together as you walk.

I got that story years ago from one of those two brothers. He said that if the front door had been locked he would have died on the front porch from fear.

Always remember that the worst fright of your life may be the one you create for yourself!

Sunday, October 27, 2013

This And That

I could probably get six different posts out of the last several days.    I certainly tried.     But couldn't quiiiiiiite get there.     I shit-canned several attempts, in fact.

Here's the Condensed Week:

I had started a Dead relatives Collection.    Gonna climb the Ol' Family Tree.     I took copious notes on everything I could grab at the time.     I have family names written on a piece of foil-backed paper that was in a cigarette pack.    You can pen an awful lot of garbled info on a used envelope.    Maybe you can decipher it later.    Maybe not.
     It took three afternoons to straighten that out and if I actually find a solid branch on my family tree, I may hang myself from it.

We got smacked when a service truck, driven by a buddy and former biker Brother, backed into our truck at a diner.    You don't realize just how big some of those things are until it's shoving you backwards.    Red lights the size of dinner plates.
     He never knew he hit us and just drove off.     Just a small gash in the thin rubber strip that runs the length of the bumper.    If you have to get hit, that's the place for it.    No real damage to our truck or me.    It isn't worth costing a man his job---and it probably would---and we know he didn't do it on purpose. 

Lots of fun with wildlife since I posted last.    Got to see a King snake try his luck with an Indigo twice his size.    I spotted this little piece of The Circle Of Life in a drainage ditch and we stopped to watch.     He wrapped around the tail of the snake and everything else he could use for leverage, but the Indigo just drug him, debris and all, up the bank of the ditch.
     When the Indigo finally slithered out of the King snakes coils, we went back to the truck and surprised a water moccasin.    That was all of Mother Nature that we needed for the day.

Praying Mantis's took over the plant where T-Bird works.    They were everywhere and I cannot stand the things.    I'll take snakes any day over a Praying Mantis.
     Grandma said that they chew tobacco and if they spit it in your eye YOU'LL GO BLIIIIIND!!!!    A bald-face lie that kept me from killing her mantises (because I didn't know how far one could spit and wouldn't get close), and since the horrible creatures were in her flower bed, I was not.    Two points for Grandma, and a phobia for me.

Hubs had a mouse that insisted on climbing up his pants leg at work.    He felt something on his leg and looked down to see a mouse climbing up to his lap.
    The resulting swearing and stomping fit had the old man that shares the office with my husband almost falling out of his chair laughing.     The mouse got away.
    A couple of days later the mouse goes for it again.    More swearing and stomping.    Score two for Speedy Gonzales and now the older man is crying with laughter.    His wife passed away recently and this has been the most fun he's had in three years.
    When T-Bird caught him in the trash can he thought he was gonna put an end to this trespassing vermin.    Nope.    Mousie: 3....T-Bird: Zip.
    T-Bird scrounged a trap from somewhere and baited it with cheese and peanut butter crackers.    He can bait me up with 'em, why not a rodent?
    He got robbed TWICE.    Vermin: FIVE.    Human: Big fat NOTHIN'.
    He baited it the third time and placed it in the trash can, shut off the lights and went home.
     GAME OVER.    Darn shame too.    Me and the old man were having a ball with this mini war.

Taking Daddy to Warner Robins for an eye surgery was a regular hoot.    To say that I am not the person for this job is a massive understatement.    While I love my father, I hate driving, and I really hate driving anywhere but this One Horse Town.    In all Honesty, there are intersections HERE that scare the starch outta me.
     I did it, but it wasn't pretty, and my apologies to the City Of Warner Robins.....

I accidentally figured out how to cook my stew meat for beef stew.     I have never managed to cook it as tender as I would prefer.    Here's how I finally did it:
      Thursday was a regular Bitch of a day, and after work I bought everything I needed for a big pot of stew.    It's getting cold so it's time for soup, stew and chili.    Break out the big pots.
    I ran home to get it started, but realized that I had forgotten the roast.    It's not beef stew without the beef, so I went BACK to town, and I was not happy with myself. 
    An hour later I had my stew meat bubbling away in the pot, awaiting spices and veggies, but had to pick my husband up at 5:00.    So I turned off the stove and split for town.
    I caught every single stop light on green, and watched the train clear the tracks well before I reached them.     Didn't have to stop the first time, and let me say that THAT NEVER HAPPENS TO ME.
     Hubby was ready to go and when we stopped at the store I was in and out.
     When we got back home I went to turn the stew meat back on and discovered that I had NOT turned the burner OFF.    I had jacked it UP to HIGH!    Snatching off the lid I saw that I still had water in the pot and it wasn't even scorched.     I could have burned my house down.     I ALMOST burned my house down.    This is the third time I've left the stove or oven on and almost lost my home.
    I suggest boiling tough stew meat on high for about a half-hour before you add the rest of the ingredients.     I don't suggest that you drive across town while you do it.    

Today I am in the grasp of allergies due to ragweed, golden rod, and cotton defoliant.     I will spare you the details, but this is the worst bout of this that I have ever had to endure.

I'll surrender my keys and my stove because I cannot handle either of those and have proven it.     I'll ask Mama to release me from my promise to take care of Daddy because my care-taking skills suck and he may not survive.    

As for The Family Tree?    I'm looking for a piece of rope.........

Sunday, October 13, 2013

Character Flaws

I seem to have a few potentially fatal character flaws.     Much like mixing prescription meds, a mixture of character flaws can be life-threatening.

Character flaws do not come with a sheet of paper with fine print explainin' the side effects, contraindications, and interactions with other flaws.

It's "Learn As You Go".

I can be terribly sarcastic---that's how I got the nickname "Slick"--- and even worse, I have never known when to just...........shut up.

Those two flaws, working hand in hand, will get me killed yet.

Last night, in an effort to ramp up some romance, my husband was "setting the mood".

I don't have one ounce of romance in my soul so it takes a little work.    Character Flaw #3 maybe?    Valentine's day and our anniversary are two dates I don't look forward to because I can't grasp the whole Romance Thing and find it awkward.  

Well, he's flittin' around the livin' room adjusting the lights, checking the door, and doin' whatever.    He disappeared to the kitchen for a drink, and then disappeared down the hall.
    He came back, checked the door again, and kinda waffled in the living room like he was trying to think of something else.

I was just sitting on the couch watching him go back and forth, wondering when he would land.

I swear, I simply could NOT keep my fat mouth closed, and I tried to bite my tongue, but was overcome.

"Is this some sort of mating dance????     Are you gonna drop your wings and drag 'em on the ground???    Maybe hop back and forth on a limb??"

Needless to say, I thought I might have to fly South for the Winter because the temperature in my trailer dropped DRASTICALLY.

I had recently seen a piece on t.v. about bird's and their mating dances and before I could get a grip on my beak tragedy ensued.    The following is a video of the little bird that nearly got me plucked and deep-fat fried:

Wednesday, October 9, 2013

Foggy Backroads And Bad Nerves

I was awakened at 3:30 a.m. by an Epiphany that could bring about World Pea...........

Pfffft!   As if I were capable of an epiphany.

Having pondered The Mysteries Of The Universe into the small hou.........

That's a lie.

I had been taking care of a sick friend until 3:30 a.m. Sunday mo........

That's a lie, too.

*shrugs*     Okay......    

At 3:30 a.m., Sunday morning, I was scarfing T-Bird's Hershey's Miniatures at the kitchen sink, staring at the stars through the kitchen window.      I can find chocolate in the dark and hadn't turned on any lights.     The blinds were open and I noticed the stars twinkling.       They were stunning!   

Moving quickly and very low, in long, wispy, eerie fingers, the fog was moving in.     Absolutely beautiful!     Kinda spooky lookin', but beautiful all the same.

I love fog when I don't have to be in it.    Driving in it sets my teeth on edge.

T-Bird and I went to a local club that I nicknamed The Opalescent Ass.    I won't put the actual name on this because I still have to live here.    Names will always be changed on this blog to protect.....well.....ME.

We had had a Grand Ol' Time, and somewhere around 1:00 in the A.M., decided to call it quits and go home.     Home was a good twenty miles away.

We realized we had screwed up.     Hubs had been drinking, and was going to be D.U.I. if he drove.
 I was sober as a judge because I was under Spousal Supervision for a rather unfortunate Drunken Incident With White Trash Intent (2nd degree), and hadn't had anything alcoholic to funne....drink.    At that time, I was still on Spousal Probation and a damned short leash.

I should have been a Designated Driver, but, no.       You have to let the Designated Driver KNOW that she has been "designated" to drive BEFORE she leaves the house!    I did not get that memo!

Unfortunately, I had left all of my Papers at the house.    No license, no insurance card, no I.D., no nothin'.     Had I worn jeans to the club I would have had all of that in my pocket.
     What I wore was more like a black condom and heels and there was no place for me to carry anything. 

I pointed THAT out.

"If I get pulled over, I go to jail.    If YOU get pulled over, we sit on the side of the road until they find you in the system, and you'll only be charged with a fine for not havin' your license."

The mere fact that he even entertained the thought of letting me drive him ANYWHERE showed that he was, dammit, serious.    I scared the crap out of him when we were in our teens and he has neither forgiven nor forgotten it.    

When we got out of the parking lot it was slightly foggy but the visibility was good.     All I had to do was behave myself behind the wheel and make one turn and we'd get home with no problems.

Less than a mile from the Ass, we had problems.    BIG problems.     The worst fog I had ever seen had rolled in and it sucked to be me.
The further I drove, the worse it got.     It was like driving inside a huge, 20 mile long gray tube sock.

I can see the center line.     I can see the line on the right side edge of the road, and three feet ahead of the truck.    To Hell with behind me.    I have to creep along to keep from over-driving my lights.

I asked about our chances of being run over by a big rig, and T. pointed out that if there was one on this road he was creeping along too.   He kept watch behind for any lights that might appear behind our truck.      This is a very rural area and you seldom see much traffic at 1:00 a.m. on a Sunday morning, but there were  TWO fools on the road so there could've been more.

T-Bird is talking me thru it in soothing tones to keep me from freaking.

I couldn't tell where I was after a few miles because all of my landmarks have disappeared.   

There is a very small town---it has two redlights---between me and home, but I'll be damned if I know where IT is because I don't know where WE is.

All this time, I've been worried about hitting deer or livestock that might be standing in the road.     That idea alone kept me at a crawl.

I finally saw a few markings on the asphalt that led me to believe I was at least close to town.
    I found the red glow of the only stoplight I had to deal with.   You could see the glow from street lights and store lights, but the fog was too thick to see what was supposed to be lit up.

   I had to stop for for the light, and took a deep breath.         When the light changed we went on, and lost the town within another block.     I am again in that gray tube sock with MILES yet to go.     More fields, farms, and woods.    Full of deer and wild cows.

Did you know there are still places where bovine roam free??    Hit one with a vehicle and try to find out who owns it.     If reparations are due, that's a wild cow, My Friend.

I only have to make one right turn, and if I can make that turn all I have to worry about after that is getting around a hairpin curve, crossing a bridge without going into the guard rail or missing the thing entirely and going into the creek, and finding gray gates in gray fog.

Easy peasy, right?

T-Bird found the turn and I breathed a sigh of relief.    Just a few more miles.     Took the hairpin with no difficulty, missed the guard rail AND the creek, and I promise you this:

The only gates that have ever been more beautiful than my gates were---when I finally located them that awful morning---are The Pearly Gates.
I was really trying to avoid those.