"When we remember we are all mad, the mysteries disappear and life stands explained."---Mark Twain

Monday, January 27, 2014

But.......IT AIN'T A TRUCK!

I'm a Truck Chick.       I love pickup trucks.      I don't know diddly about 'em, I just like 'em!
I like to sit on a tailgate and talk to friends.    Tailgates make great seats, dining tables, counters, and work benches.

I LOVE bouncin' down dirt roads and firebreaks.   Daylight or dark, it doesn't matter.    Taking the truck thru the river swamp was some of the best fun I've had.

When I had the Ranger I could actually drive over railroad tracks, sidewalks, and that silly "barricade" (pfffttt!!!) at the post office without a second thought.   
     Puddles or debris?    No real problem.    I could skate over roadkill and never touch it.

I used my truck to haul everything from trash to band equipment.     Sometimes those two things are one and the same.....depending on how long you've been married to a musician.

If it's scratched and dented, well, I'm good with it because when I put another scratch or dent in it, and I will, who gives a damn?

So, the GMC gave it up, and T-Bird gave up riding his motorcycle in freezing weather.     Too Old For The Cold.

That meant we needed to come up with another ride.    I, of course, put in for another truck.      With great enthusiasm, I might add.........

I wanted THIS:

I would have settled for THIS:
THIS is what I ended up with:

Dear Heart, do you see the problem here?



When we went to our buddy Hammer's house to get the thing T-Bird said:    "I told you it was rough."

He wasn't Whistlin' Dixie.     Damn....what a P.O.S..

My least favorite color combo---white and rust.     Dented from one end to the other.    Scratched.    Scuffed.    The interior sucks.    Really, kids, if you smoke weed, take the seeds out before you roll or you burn the upholstry in a way that is obvious as Hell when the seed pops.     It's PotHead 101.

The glass was all there, the tires were round, the brakes and starter were new.     Stop and Start.    That's all I really need.

I had to ask if the antennae was standard on that particular model and was gruffly informed that no, it was not.

"Some sumbitch broke off the antennae in a parking lot in Atlanta and I just stuck that on there; that's a piece off of my old t.v. antennae."

In all fairness I must say that the radio plays just fine through the one remaining speaker, and it's welcome to munch on the practice c.d. that T-Bird stuck in there just to find out that the c.d. player does NOT work. 

I asked what in the world happened to the trunk lid?!?

"Tree limb fell on it, but you can still open it."    

I hoped I could, because Hammer wasn't having any luck opening Pandora's Box with the key and of course, the button-thingy inside the car no longer works.    When it finally popped open it revealed a set of jumper cables, homemade lug wrench, spare tire, and trash.    And almost an entire case of water.

"I used to have to pour water in it all the damn time but I fixed that shit."

"It runs great!    Fire that bitch up!"     T-Bird turned the key, the motor turned over, and filled the yard with smoke.      Lots and lots and lots of smoke.

Hubs cocks an eye at Hammer, and the explanation began.

"The thing was on empty and there wasn't enough gas to get to the gas station, so I thought, DAMN, I better put some in it since y'all was comin' out.     That's some year-old chainsaw gas I had in the barn!"

Chain saw gas:    Car gas with two-cycle oil added.    It's for, get this..........CHAIN SAWS.

He handed us nine keys, engine keys and trunk keys, and  the paperwork was signed.

"It'll haul ass when you get it on the road but it hitches to the right when it changes gears."

Got it.     If Hammer owned it, it has two speeds:    Dead Cold in the yard, or Full Throttle All You Can Stand Balls To The Wall YEEEE-HAAAAAAAH.     Those are the only two speeds Hammer has so it would seem to follow that that's all the car ever knew.

I turned out of the driveway and put my foot on the pedal.

It was like kicking a jackrabbit in the ass!     GONE!      OUTTA HERE!

It sits so low that I could almost feel the asphalt scrubbin' my backside and when I ran over a stick in the road I thought it had lodged there.   

"Hitches to the right" my Aunt Fannie!    It LEAPS to the right.

I damn near died when the engine light came on.    But I gotta tell ya, it figures.     I was royally pissed off at Hubs and Hammer when it shut off at the gas pump, right by it's self.    IT DIED.

We put gas in it and the thing cranked right up, check engine light and all.     T-Bird told me to drive it to the house and I did.

I lost him twice and he couldn't keep up.    I got cussed at when he pulled into the driveway.

The engine light went out after I ran by-golly gas through it, and thankfully, it's decent on gas.     I'd be scared to hit anything bigger than a pinecone, and puddles are out of the question.

While it still ain't a truck it did outrun T-Bird's Ranger, and I like that!

I think I'll start puttin' in for a camo paint job and seat covers.


  1. I have an old beater sedan that is about 3500 miles from a 1/4 million. I call it a truck because I haul all kinda junk in it.
    I linda want a truck but think a little SUV would serve me better. I am tired of my but dragging the ground too.

    1. SUTHERN! How ya doin'! I could probably cram two adult bodies in the trunk and still shut it, so I'll be able to haul trash with nooooo problem-o. If I need to I can always bum the Ranger.

      I drove my daughter's XTerra for a month after my truck went tires up. I always thought it would be a fun ride, but I was glad to give the thing back. Lots of blind spots, and with that high box shape it makes a lot of "sail". One puff of a breeze and it will move you around in the lane. It always gave me the impression that it wanted to turn over in some situations. I wouldn't dare a high-speed turn for it. I think an SUV would be great, but I'd pass on the XTerra.

      Sitting low to the ground feels odd to me, and while I can fold up my long legs and get IN the car, it took a few tries to find a graceful way OUT of the seat without rolling out of it like a beach ball.

  2. I had a car that hitched to the right - when I was on my own with the girls a few years back, I needed a car. Dad had a car in the yard that had a leaky front window. He pulled it out of the gras, we bought a few parts for it and away I went down the road, then pulled over when she "YANKED" me to the right. I stopped and called him and his response "well, thats right, thats why we parked her" I drove her like that through 2 more winters. Memories!