"When we remember we are all mad, the mysteries disappear and life stands explained."---Mark Twain

Wednesday, October 9, 2013

Foggy Backroads And Bad Nerves

I was awakened at 3:30 a.m. by an Epiphany that could bring about World Pea...........

Pfffft!   As if I were capable of an epiphany.

Having pondered The Mysteries Of The Universe into the small hou.........

That's a lie.

I had been taking care of a sick friend until 3:30 a.m. Sunday mo........

That's a lie, too.

*shrugs*     Okay......    

At 3:30 a.m., Sunday morning, I was scarfing T-Bird's Hershey's Miniatures at the kitchen sink, staring at the stars through the kitchen window.      I can find chocolate in the dark and hadn't turned on any lights.     The blinds were open and I noticed the stars twinkling.       They were stunning!   

Moving quickly and very low, in long, wispy, eerie fingers, the fog was moving in.     Absolutely beautiful!     Kinda spooky lookin', but beautiful all the same.

I love fog when I don't have to be in it.    Driving in it sets my teeth on edge.

T-Bird and I went to a local club that I nicknamed The Opalescent Ass.    I won't put the actual name on this because I still have to live here.    Names will always be changed on this blog to protect.....well.....ME.

We had had a Grand Ol' Time, and somewhere around 1:00 in the A.M., decided to call it quits and go home.     Home was a good twenty miles away.

We realized we had screwed up.     Hubs had been drinking, and was going to be D.U.I. if he drove.
 I was sober as a judge because I was under Spousal Supervision for a rather unfortunate Drunken Incident With White Trash Intent (2nd degree), and hadn't had anything alcoholic to funne....drink.    At that time, I was still on Spousal Probation and a damned short leash.

I should have been a Designated Driver, but, no.       You have to let the Designated Driver KNOW that she has been "designated" to drive BEFORE she leaves the house!    I did not get that memo!

Unfortunately, I had left all of my Papers at the house.    No license, no insurance card, no I.D., no nothin'.     Had I worn jeans to the club I would have had all of that in my pocket.
     What I wore was more like a black condom and heels and there was no place for me to carry anything. 

I pointed THAT out.

"If I get pulled over, I go to jail.    If YOU get pulled over, we sit on the side of the road until they find you in the system, and you'll only be charged with a fine for not havin' your license."

The mere fact that he even entertained the thought of letting me drive him ANYWHERE showed that he was, dammit, serious.    I scared the crap out of him when we were in our teens and he has neither forgiven nor forgotten it.    

When we got out of the parking lot it was slightly foggy but the visibility was good.     All I had to do was behave myself behind the wheel and make one turn and we'd get home with no problems.

Less than a mile from the Ass, we had problems.    BIG problems.     The worst fog I had ever seen had rolled in and it sucked to be me.
The further I drove, the worse it got.     It was like driving inside a huge, 20 mile long gray tube sock.

I can see the center line.     I can see the line on the right side edge of the road, and three feet ahead of the truck.    To Hell with behind me.    I have to creep along to keep from over-driving my lights.

I asked about our chances of being run over by a big rig, and T. pointed out that if there was one on this road he was creeping along too.   He kept watch behind for any lights that might appear behind our truck.      This is a very rural area and you seldom see much traffic at 1:00 a.m. on a Sunday morning, but there were  TWO fools on the road so there could've been more.

T-Bird is talking me thru it in soothing tones to keep me from freaking.

I couldn't tell where I was after a few miles because all of my landmarks have disappeared.   

There is a very small town---it has two redlights---between me and home, but I'll be damned if I know where IT is because I don't know where WE is.

All this time, I've been worried about hitting deer or livestock that might be standing in the road.     That idea alone kept me at a crawl.

I finally saw a few markings on the asphalt that led me to believe I was at least close to town.
    I found the red glow of the only stoplight I had to deal with.   You could see the glow from street lights and store lights, but the fog was too thick to see what was supposed to be lit up.

   I had to stop for for the light, and took a deep breath.         When the light changed we went on, and lost the town within another block.     I am again in that gray tube sock with MILES yet to go.     More fields, farms, and woods.    Full of deer and wild cows.

Did you know there are still places where bovine roam free??    Hit one with a vehicle and try to find out who owns it.     If reparations are due, that's a wild cow, My Friend.

I only have to make one right turn, and if I can make that turn all I have to worry about after that is getting around a hairpin curve, crossing a bridge without going into the guard rail or missing the thing entirely and going into the creek, and finding gray gates in gray fog.

Easy peasy, right?

T-Bird found the turn and I breathed a sigh of relief.    Just a few more miles.     Took the hairpin with no difficulty, missed the guard rail AND the creek, and I promise you this:

The only gates that have ever been more beautiful than my gates were---when I finally located them that awful morning---are The Pearly Gates.
I was really trying to avoid those.


  1. LOL, I feel your pain. Went to a concert one night many moons ago with a gal who lived in the sticks. I have never seen fog like what formed that night. Cant believe I made it home without a dent.

    Glad you made it home without soiling the LBD.

    1. Suthern! I can't believe we made it home in one piece! We were either very Lucky, or very Blessed to make it home in good shape and I do NOT want to do that again!

  2. Ah, to be fog-bound in a land where the cows roam free.


    That was a very funny piece there, Slick. LOVED it.


    1. Thank you Pearl! One of the joys of rural living is finding livestock where it shouldn't be!