"When we remember we are all mad, the mysteries disappear and life stands explained."---Mark Twain

Tuesday, November 12, 2013

Hands In Pockets, Mouths CLOSED

A few years ago I heard this on our scanner:

Dispatcher:   "We need a couple of units to go out to the cemetery.    A fight started up at a service at the funeral home and the family is afraid it's gonna start back up at graveside."

Tsk, tsk, tsk.    The one time you'd think a family would pull together......it takes the police department to keep 'em apart.    

That's a lack of Home Trainin' right there.

In my very best Redneck let me say:   "You don't be belongin' to fight at no graveside!"

Translation:    Don't fight at the damned funeral.

Fighting at a funeral is just ignorant.    That's what the viewing is for.   

When my mother passed away, my ex-brother-in-law used the viewing to beg my sister to let him move back into the house.        Had he not been drunk---the very reason for the divorce--- and swaying back and forth on his pins when he made his pitch (beside Mama's coffin) with beer on his breath he might have fared better than he did.     He wouldn't have gotten her back, but he wouldn't have been cussed out quite as badly.
     When she saw him carrying Mama to the hole as pallbearer the following morning it pissed her off to The Highest Point of  Pissitivity and I thought it would come to blows after the last "Amen".     I felt a disturbance in The Force.
     She nailed Daddy at the earliest available moment.....right after the last "Amen".    Daddy explained that he himself had asked the man to be a pallbearer, and that's the only reason he lived to drink another day.
The funeral for Sonny's girlfriend's mother was last week, and I knew from the viewing it could go badly.

My son's girlfriend is the mother of my youngest daughter's husband.    Son and Youngest are not particularly well thought of by the family of The Deceased.   Sonny is disliked entirely and Youngest is almost level with her brother in that regard. 

And both of them were going to be at the funeral.

While I was reasonably sure that I had covered all of the basic Thou-Shall-Nots during THEIR Home Trainin', well, you just never know.     

"Please, Lord, keep their hands in their pockets and their mouths closed" was my mantra for the day.    

I posted the following video because sometimes, ya just gotta lighten up.      Even for funerals.


  1. Aside from a bit of discussion at the house before the funeral when they found one of the sisters lookin for loot in their passsed away fathers closets I've never seen a funeral fight.

    Hopefully it will go well but if not, Will it be video'd?

    I've heard a lot of Ray's stuff but didnt know he did a funeral. Cant wait to listen.

    1. I hadn't heard this one until the day before the funeral so it was new to me, but you can't go wrong with Ray Stevens. With a cell phone in every pocket these days, and with MY luck, if a fight breaks out at a funeral involving my kids it will be video'd and on YouTube by dark : thirty.
      I was researching one of my surnames and came across a funeral fight. Seems a woman passed away and her daughters wanted Mama's Bible. Wellllll, they tied up and threw down about it. The fight was so bad that they put the Bible in Mama's box, nailed it shut, and it's six feet under in a cemetery in south Georgia. All those names and dates......GONE.

  2. Death can make people turn crazy. I saw my son and my brother get into it after mom's funeral, but it was my mother's home, not at the funeral home. OMG.