My Last Concert

At the end of my last post I said that we should have skipped the Molly Hatchet concert.

In no way, shape, form, or fashion is it the fault of the band.    I adore Molly Hatchet.   I had "Flirtin' With Disaster" painted on my Maxim tank.    Figgered it fit the situation.   I looked forward to seeing them perform.

It went to Hell.

We were in my living room sittin' around talkin' before we left.    Me, T-Bird, and Jerry.     We had been chatting for about ten minutes when Jerry asked if he could bring a date.

"Sure!    Where is she?"

"Oh.........she's in the truck."

He left his date in the truck for ten minutes while he kicked back on the sofa and talked?   REALLY????

"Go get her and bring her in."     I spoke those words and I still kick myself for it.

Chickie-baby walked fifteen feet in a zig-zag pattern to reach a place on the sofa three feet from the front door.

She is tore up from the floor up.

"I ain't never see'd no concert before y'all!"

In five minutes I learned that Jerry is her sister's husband and he's just a close friend they grew up together and it's okay with her sister if Jerry takes her to a concert 'cause she "ain't never see'd no concert before" and her grandma just died and she was the one who raised her and that's her REAL Mama you understand what I'm sayin' ya feel me? and DFCS took her kids before she could get home and could I believe they did that shit to her?

Uhhhhhh, yeah, I can see it.    I just don't say it.  

Like a dumbass, I said that I had recently lost my own mother and offered my condolences.

NOW she's hugging me and stroking my hair in sympathy cryin' about our mother's.    I disentangled myself and started looking for an out.    Maybe falling down the front steps would do it.....................

She tried to help me get into the truck and succeeded in banging my head on the truck.    I could have cheerfully slapped her.

It was an entertaining ride to the concert for ALMOST AN HOUR.   She was downing suds and fighting Jerry for control of the cd player.   She's whispering in his ear---close friends my ass---and practically in his lap.

The more she drinks, the louder she gets.   

By the time we get to the concert she's yellin' "I AIN'T NEVER SEE'D NO CONCERT BEFORE AN' I DON'T GIVE A FUUUUUUUCK".    I'm just glad the ride has stopped.    Let me off.

She tried to help me OUT of the truck and nearly knocked me to the ground doin' it.   

My husband has bit his lip and is trying so hard not to laugh.   I keep giving him pointed looks and he's just shaking his head---or avoiding looking at me.    I'm gonna have a mouthful to say later and he knows it.    When we got to the stage area she was begging for another beer and they toddled off.   

Didn't see or hear either one again until the concert was over.    Didn't care.

The concert rocked, but I knew we had a long ride home with The Budweiser Banshee to look forward to.

Finally, it was time to go.     I could not wait to get home.    I've 'bout had all I can handle.   I laid my head on T-Bird's shoulder thinking that if I could doze off I could miss the entire ride home.    Social be damned.    Maybe SHE'LL pass out and miss the ride home.    She seemed somewhat quiet, or totally stoned, so I gave it a shot.

I was almost out when I heard:   "I AIN'T GOT BUT SEVENTEEN MORE MONTHS BEFORE MY PAROLE IS UP!"

My head jerked up so fast I thought my neck snapped.    PAROLE??     Pretty sure she meant probation but snoozin' thru the nightmare won't happen now.

We pulled over to the side of the road when Jerry felt Nature's Call.    She got out with him.    A Tandem Piss.   Cute.    Kill me now.

Back on the road again she starts feelin' frisky.    She was gumming Jerry's ear---she ain't got a tooth in her head---and I prayed that she wouldn't grab for Jerry's crotch or we were all gonna die in a mangled metal mess wrapped around a pine tree.

Finally, Praise Be!!    The headlights hit the front of my trailer and my horror was over.    I'd shed this bitch, and forget tonight happened.    Jerry will NEVER be forgiven.   This ain't the first Looney-Tooner he has graced me with so this is a pattern.

"Y'all wanna come in for a minute?"

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!   I have never wanted to strike my husband as badly as I did right then.

SOUTHERN HOSPITALITY BE DAMNED!

They didn't stay very long---they had to hit the liquor store before it closed.

T-Bird and I just stared at each other until we heard the engine of the SUV fade away.

"WHERE IN THE HELL DOES HE FIND THESE WOMEN?????"     I need the answer to this.

"Has to be an asylum.    Maybe they let him check one out for the weekend."

I may see another concert or two before I leave this world, but I can promise you this:   I'll drive my own car.